Thursday, March 30, 2006

Spring Ahead

Busy all the time. Some highlights from life in the last week: I had the first at bat of the year this year in our baseball league and I hit a home run. Talk about getting started on the right foot. I also got my first ever paycheck today. It was for the three days I worked last week since starting work after getting back from California. It was for more than I was expecting which is nice. A part of me wants to just frame it and not cash it.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Ready to say "Goodbye"

The last couple of days have been very interesting for me. I'm beginning the Men's Leadership Seminar in a few hours. I've been freaking out about the seminar in my own little freaking out way. It's a mixed bag of emotions that I don't quite know how to express. I'm anxious, scared, excited, nervous...anything you might feel when you know something big is about to happen.

A lot of people talked to me today to wish me luck. I talked to Todd, my coach, this morning. I went back to sleep. Larry called. Went back to sleep. I spoke to Doug for a little bit. Corinne called and offered me white light and positive energy. I spoke to Janice for a while. I know everyone's thoughts are with me as I take this huge step in my life. I haven't really played this seminar up that much among people who I normally associate with. It's a huge deal for me though. I am expecting to go back to NY in 11 days a changed man. I could have gone in November. I chickened out. I made up some bullshit about how it wasn't the right time for me, and I didn't go. I'm glad I chickened out then. This is the perfect time for me to be there. Had I gone in November, I would have done all the stuff, had a blast, and been changed. It wouldn't have been as good as doing it now.

This last month has been one of the most amazing months of my life. I've experienced new levels of thought and awareness in both myself and of others. I've noticed a lot of changes in myself -- changes that I love seeing -- changes that I wish were more permanent than they have been. I have more fun doing things I used to do. I feel a level of confidence that I've never before experienced. It's because of these changes -- my outlook on life, my interactions with other people, my perceptions of myself -- that I now have expectations of what this leadership seminar might do for me. Expectations which really are expectations of myself. I see myself greater than I did before. I expect things of myself; great things. I see the possibilities of what I can be -- of what I will be. And even with the greater expectations, I experience new levels of freedom. I feel lighter. I'm less weighed down by the worry and fear that once plagued my thoughts. I matter. My opinion matters. Everything I do is what I'm meant to do. Everything I do is perfect.

I've been with my thoughts the last few days. I was in resistance about the seminar the entire week leading up to it. I put off packing until the last possible moment. I did not get anything together. I did not take care of the things that I told myself I wanted to take care of prior to leaving New York. All this manifested as stomach discomfort and slight nausea the morning of my flight. After I left, I slept. I spent a lot of time reflecting...grounded, pensive, calm. I considered it the calm before the storm. Now I consider it as my taking myself in; understanding who I am; remembering who I was; getting to know myself so that I can say goodbye to myself. I've been scared of letting go. Why? Let go for greater things. I can trust myself.

Changes are on the horizon -- exciting changes. Time to step up and be who I want to be. Time to say goodbye to the person who I am now, the person who isn't true to himself...to myself.

Happy. Sad. Thankful.

I couldn't have gotten here without you.
Eternal gratitude.