Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Today's Fortune Cookie Said:

"You must give up what you could lose in order to gain what you could not lose."

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

"Although, the sun will never shine the same, I'lI always look to a brighter day."

While I don't feel like the universe is laughing at me, I do feel like it's playing games with me sometimes. I guess I could really find meaning in anything if I'm looking for it, but sometimes it's so appropriate or so cheesily obvious that I can't help but say, "Come on, are you kidding me?" Last night after leaving JFK airport I had one of those moments.

Today has probably been one of the roughest days for me in a while. Generally, I don't get down about things anymore. I don't remember many times recently when I've dwelled on anything in particular for a substantial amount of time. I felt like I was in a state of depression today. After asking Annie if there was anything noticeably different about my demeanor, we came to the conclusion that I was feeling more melancholy than anything. But for me, I think that even being melancholy is a big deal. Anyone who knows me well enough would probably agree.

I know that everything is as it should be, that everything will work out, that the way that things play out are for the best even if I don't see it yet, but this time I'm stuck. I'm stuck wondering about myself. I'm stuck thinking about others. I'm stuck wondering about how things will be and if things will ever be as they once were. Years, months, weeks, maybe even days from now, maybe I'll be able to look back and laugh at myself. I hope and pray and would welcome that to happen. Of course everything will work out perfectly as it should, but for now this is how I choose to spend my time – melancholy – feeling like there is a lump stuck in my chest, some kind of weight or maybe a void where something is missing.

My thoughts and emotions are all tangled. I know in my heart that my feeling under the weather today was a direct result of all of this as I rarely get sick. I barely ate today, which in and of itself is not a big deal or even remotely surprising, but rather than time or lack of food getting in my way of eating, it was my thoughts. I went to the basement at work to sleep during my lunch break today, also not unusual; usually I fall asleep without any problem and sleep throughout my lunch break unless interrupted. Today, I woke up repeatedly for no reason thinking that my break was over only to find that only a few minutes had past.

There was a time when it was my goal to cater to everyone and have everyone like me. I wanted to be everyone's friend. I no longer care if everyone likes me; that I can say with confidence. When I am being true to myself the opinions of others don't matter. But what about when I don't know if I'm being true to myself? Somewhere deep down I know what I want. Until I grow up and start accepting that, I won't get what I want, others won't get what they want, and I will end up hurting those I love – people who I have come to trust and cherish as valuable parts of my life.

Sometimes losing people can be like losing a part of me. They are missing and a part of me with them, but I think I am starting to see that they are still showing up in some capacity, teaching me, guiding me. Thank you for being there for me – still. Maybe it's time to trust that things will work out.

(Bonus points to anyone who can name what song the title is from.)