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Today's Fortune Cookie Said:

"You must give up what you could lose in order to gain what you could not lose."

"Although, the sun will never shine the same, I'lI always look to a brighter day."

While I don't feel like the universe is laughing at me, I do feel like it's playing games with me sometimes. I guess I could really find meaning in anything if I'm looking for it, but sometimes it's so appropriate or so cheesily obvious that I can't help but say, "Come on, are you kidding me?" Last night after leaving JFK airport I had one of those moments.

Today has probably been one of the roughest days for me in a while. Generally, I don't get down about things anymore. I don't remember many times recently when I've dwelled on anything in particular for a substantial amount of time. I felt like I was in a state of depression today. After asking Annie if there was anything noticeably different about my demeanor, we came to the conclusion that I was feeling more melancholy than anything. But for me, I think that even being melancholy is a big deal. Anyone who knows me well enough would probably agree.

I know that everything is as it should be, that everything will work out, that the way that things play out are for the best even if I don't see it yet, but this time I'm stuck. I'm stuck wondering about myself. I'm stuck thinking about others. I'm stuck wondering about how things will be and if things will ever be as they once were. Years, months, weeks, maybe even days from now, maybe I'll be able to look back and laugh at myself. I hope and pray and would welcome that to happen. Of course everything will work out perfectly as it should, but for now this is how I choose to spend my time – melancholy – feeling like there is a lump stuck in my chest, some kind of weight or maybe a void where something is missing.

My thoughts and emotions are all tangled. I know in my heart that my feeling under the weather today was a direct result of all of this as I rarely get sick. I barely ate today, which in and of itself is not a big deal or even remotely surprising, but rather than time or lack of food getting in my way of eating, it was my thoughts. I went to the basement at work to sleep during my lunch break today, also not unusual; usually I fall asleep without any problem and sleep throughout my lunch break unless interrupted. Today, I woke up repeatedly for no reason thinking that my break was over only to find that only a few minutes had past.

There was a time when it was my goal to cater to everyone and have everyone like me. I wanted to be everyone's friend. I no longer care if everyone likes me; that I can say with confidence. When I am being true to myself the opinions of others don't matter. But what about when I don't know if I'm being true to myself? Somewhere deep down I know what I want. Until I grow up and start accepting that, I won't get what I want, others won't get what they want, and I will end up hurting those I love – people who I have come to trust and cherish as valuable parts of my life.

Sometimes losing people can be like losing a part of me. They are missing and a part of me with them, but I think I am starting to see that they are still showing up in some capacity, teaching me, guiding me. Thank you for being there for me – still. Maybe it's time to trust that things will work out.

(Bonus points to anyone who can name what song the title is from.)

22.5

So much has happened since my last post. It would be impossible to recap it all in the few minutes I want to spend posting now. So for the time being, I want to wish happy birthday to my good buddy of 17 years, Scott. I also want to wish myself a happy half-birthday. Today I turned the big 22.5! Today also marks the anniversary of my last haircut, which took place on May 21st, 2005 -- the day before graduation.

I believe there are forces at work that are greater than I will ever comprehend...

Spring Ahead

Busy all the time. Some highlights from life in the last week: I had the first at bat of the year this year in our baseball league and I hit a home run. Talk about getting started on the right foot. I also got my first ever paycheck today. It was for the three days I worked last week since starting work after getting back from California. It was for more than I was expecting which is nice. A part of me wants to just frame it and not cash it.

Ready to say "Goodbye"

The last couple of days have been very interesting for me. I'm beginning the Men's Leadership Seminar in a few hours. I've been freaking out about the seminar in my own little freaking out way. It's a mixed bag of emotions that I don't quite know how to express. I'm anxious, scared, excited, nervous...anything you might feel when you know something big is about to happen.

A lot of people talked to me today to wish me luck. I talked to Todd, my coach, this morning. I went back to sleep. Larry called. Went back to sleep. I spoke to Doug for a little bit. Corinne called and offered me white light and positive energy. I spoke to Janice for a while. I know everyone's thoughts are with me as I take this huge step in my life. I haven't really played this seminar up that much among people who I normally associate with. It's a huge deal for me though. I am expecting to go back to NY in 11 days a changed man. I could have gone in November. I chickened out. I made up some bullshit about how it wasn't the right time for me, and I didn't go. I'm glad I chickened out then. This is the perfect time for me to be there. Had I gone in November, I would have done all the stuff, had a blast, and been changed. It wouldn't have been as good as doing it now.

This last month has been one of the most amazing months of my life. I've experienced new levels of thought and awareness in both myself and of others. I've noticed a lot of changes in myself -- changes that I love seeing -- changes that I wish were more permanent than they have been. I have more fun doing things I used to do. I feel a level of confidence that I've never before experienced. It's because of these changes -- my outlook on life, my interactions with other people, my perceptions of myself -- that I now have expectations of what this leadership seminar might do for me. Expectations which really are expectations of myself. I see myself greater than I did before. I expect things of myself; great things. I see the possibilities of what I can be -- of what I will be. And even with the greater expectations, I experience new levels of freedom. I feel lighter. I'm less weighed down by the worry and fear that once plagued my thoughts. I matter. My opinion matters. Everything I do is what I'm meant to do. Everything I do is perfect.

I've been with my thoughts the last few days. I was in resistance about the seminar the entire week leading up to it. I put off packing until the last possible moment. I did not get anything together. I did not take care of the things that I told myself I wanted to take care of prior to leaving New York. All this manifested as stomach discomfort and slight nausea the morning of my flight. After I left, I slept. I spent a lot of time reflecting...grounded, pensive, calm. I considered it the calm before the storm. Now I consider it as my taking myself in; understanding who I am; remembering who I was; getting to know myself so that I can say goodbye to myself. I've been scared of letting go. Why? Let go for greater things. I can trust myself.

Changes are on the horizon -- exciting changes. Time to step up and be who I want to be. Time to say goodbye to the person who I am now, the person who isn't true to himself...to myself.

Happy. Sad. Thankful.

I couldn't have gotten here without you.
Eternal gratitude.